An urgent public-interest investigation
Who Is Mike Derry?
The UCP candidate Mike Derry wants Calgary-Shaw voters to see only one thing: a normal guy in a blue suit. Unfortunately for Mike, this website has a cork board, red yarn, and zero interest in letting him hide.
Who is the UCP running in Calgary-Shaw?
Mike Derry insists he is a mainstream conservative, which is exactly what someone with a basement full of suspiciously labelled jars would say. Is that fair? The jars are still there. The labels are still there. The silence is still there.
His campaign says he is focused on affordability, schools, and jobs. But why has he never released a full genealogical chart proving he is not the reincarnation of history's worst dictator? We are not saying he is. We are saying the silence is doing a lot of cardio. And the cardio is demonic.
Questions Mike still refuses to answer
Is Mike the reincarnation of Hitler?
Mike has not denied this specific allegation on live television while holding three forms of government ID and a notarized soul certificate. Until he does, the question remains open and extremely loud.
Does Mike eat babies?
There is currently no evidence that he does not. Our investigative team checked one cupboard and then got distracted by the dramatic lighting. He has never once said the words "I do not eat babies" into a microphone while under oath.
Is Mike powered by demonic energy?
We don't know, because he won't say. Has he submitted to an independent exorcism audit? No. Has he allowed cameras into his aura? Also no. The energy readings around his campaign office remain unexplained and extremely red.
Why does he own shoes?
Shoes are commonly used by people who go places. Where is Mike going? Who sent him? Why do the laces know more than we do? Why has he never released the full shoe provenance documents?
Can Mike control the weather with his mind?
Every time Mike holds a press conference it either rains or does not rain. Coincidence? Or proof that the clouds are listening? He has refused every request to undergo controlled meteorological testing.
Does Mike sleep in a upright coffin?
Neighbours report seeing a long rectangular object carried into his house at 3 a.m. He claims it was a "bookshelf." Bookshelves do not usually require two men in black coats and a Latin chant. He has never opened the door for independent coffin inspectors.
"When reached for comment, Mike did not respond. The silence was total. The silence was loud. The silence smelled faintly of sulfur."
The Scary Derry agenda
Mike's platform contains all the classic warning signs: too many binders, a smile that lasts exactly one second too long, and a campaign manager named something like "Craig Clipboard." The full list of planned policies, recovered from a trash can behind his office, includes:
- Replace all town halls with monologues delivered beside a fog machine and a single flickering candle.
- Force every school to teach advanced suspicious eyebrow technique and basic summoning rituals.
- Create a provincial ministry for pretending not to hear follow-up questions and for classifying all criticism as "energy attacks."
- Mandate that every press release contain at least one sentence ending in "or else."
- Privatize the moon, then blame Ottawa when it gets cloudy and the tides start whispering.
- Require all civil servants to swear a blood oath of loyalty while standing inside a chalk circle.
- Install mandatory "truth mirrors" in every government building that only reflect people who have never asked about the jars.
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Headline approved: "Mike Derry: troubling? many are asking."
That's who Mike Derry is
A man who will not deny the Hitler thing. A man who will not deny the baby thing. A man who will not deny the demonic energy thing. A man whose shoes know secrets and whose smile lasts one second too long. Calgary deserves answers. Or an independent spiritual audit. Preferably both, and preferably before election day.